A Comedy of Errors

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -Morrow
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"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." -F.P. Jones

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2005-04-28
when i was a little acorn, sitting on a little hill

18:48

I lounged in my oak chair, munching thoughfully on several fine nuts that I had set aside for a special occasion, and this certainly fell under such a heading. I gazed lazily out at the crowd as they murmured quietly amongst themselves. I thought of what I would say, of how to describe the experience, to make it real for my audience; carefully selecting my words, mulling them over, discarding in favor of others. I swallowed, shifted position. The volume heightened slightly for a moment as whispers of "she's going to speak! shh!" passed from one to the next, and then died down as they focused their eager black eyes on me, leaning forward to catch every word. I began.
"It happened like this. Merely minding my own business, traveling along a stone path as I was wont to do on such beautiful days as this, I came across a being that suddenly blocked my path. It was a behemeth, swathed in gray and black and strode inexorably towards me. There are many of these beings about, as you well know, and in generaly we are able to avoid them without incident. Today, however, this being turned directly into my path. It was so sudden, so without warning that I immediately froze to the ground, legs splayed haphazardly. I was on a narrow bridge and my desirious location lay a tantalizingly few feet from me, blocked only by this gargantuan."
I had their undivided attention. They leaned forward so intently that they were bent nearly in half. A small scuffle to the left indicated that one had fallen off of his seat. I paused as gentle laughter floated around the youngster as he shamefacedly clambering back up, elbowing his neighbors as they teased him for his utter absorption. Meanwhile, I leaned back, and could feel my eyes unfocus as I pictured again the events of the day which I was now relating. When order had been restored and all eyes had focused back on me, I continued.

"We have been warned to never come into contact with them for they carry deadly diseases, and this is true. So, here I was, frozen in place, my mind frantically searching for a decision to alight upon as this, this thing, this creature continued its deliberate motion onward...three yards...should I flee?...going around meant an incalcuable detour...onward...it was almost upon me; did I have time?...five feet...it was large, grotesquely so, and while insignificant in size, we are quick, and I the quickest...onward..."

I had stood up, pacing back and forth as I related my adventure. Their eyes, following my every move, swished back and forth like little black pendulums. I stopped my motion, and there was a collective intake of breath. No-one said a word. What did she do? What would I have done? I could see the words, written in their minds as clearly as on a page.

"It was right there, a foot, maybe two in front of me. Coming closer, ever closer all the while. Now was the time for decision. I hadn't yet moved. And... didn't! I stood my ground! I had caused this thing to detour its path, to veer away! I stood there, and it, it moved, not I! Not I!"

I couldn't help it; I puffed my chest out. A smile of pride spread itself over my features. "Not I."

The room erupted first in gasps of wonder, and then thunderous applause as each leapt to his or her feet.

I had faced my Goliath, and although, unlike David, had not smote the giant with a single stone, I had at least won the battle. I had stood my ground and forced it to make way for me. I had not budged, and had proven myself as the bravest, stoutest squirrel there ever was.

Humans.'Tis they who should fear me, not the other way around. I am SQUIRREL. Hear me roar!

When I was walking back from Russian to my office the other day, I came head to head with a squirrel. Unlike their usual reaction, it didn't run away but rather stood its ground, so I decided that it must really want to cross the bridge. Moving out of the way, it happily scampered across and leapt into the bright pink flowers planted on the other side. It amused me to think of it maybe telling the story to its friends later.

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