A Comedy of Errors

Temperature in
Houston, Texas is:

LINKS

Sign my Guestbook
(Powered by SignMyGuestbook.com)

MSN Encarta
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -Morrow
"Take care of the minutes, and the hours and years will take care of themselves." -Anonymous
"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." -F.P. Jones

Profile | Contact Me | Archive | Newest | Diaryland

2008-11-20
navigating the seas of internal conflict without a compass

02:34

Not that this is an excuse, but I'm not in a happy place right now. I am struggling with a lot of things, and it bleeds over into my interaction with the people whom I care about. So, this is something of a public announcement, public apology, and an explanation.

I struggle everyday between the person that I am and the person I want to be. I'm sure we all do, but sometimes I feel like everyone else is doing a better job of it than I. The hardest part is that the areas that I'm trying to work on the most, I feel as if I'm making the least progress on.

I am the type of person who my entire life has kept quiet when I have felt wronged. Or pushed over. Mess with someone near and dear, or push me just a little too far, and mine wrath shall descend upon thee and it is terrible. But, for the most part, I internalize, which, to a degree, this is not a bad thing. However, I took it (and still do) to a new level, with all of my little irritations simmering merrily along under the surface until some unsuspecting person says or does something and it boils over. I hate that about me. Trust me, if you've been the recipient of my outburst, I feel like the worst creature on Earth and will dwell on it and agonize over it long after you've forgiven me and chalked it up to PMS, lack of sleep, etc.

So, one thing that I've been trying to do is to air my grievances earlier, so that said person is not caught off-guard and the issue is taken care of before it really becomes an issue. However, 30+ years of internalization does not disappear overnight, so I am trying to find the balance between true issues and things that really are 'nothing', things that I just need to suck it up and deal with. Also, I know that I do not handle airing said grievances very well, usually coming out more as a defensive lashing out instead of a calm statement of position, putting me right back into the dwelling and agonizing. Plus, most of the time, all I really need to do is to take some time and it's obvious that I *am* overreacting. The world really isn't out to get me. And even when I do have a valid complaint, I am a horrible debater, so it doesn't take much to convince me that I am in the wrong. NOT that that is an invitation. :)

It may not seem like I'm working on this, but I am, I really am. Mostly on the relaxing and trying to not be so neurotic part because I think that that will help take care of the other. Part of why it may not seem like I am is that it is due to trying to find a balance, but also that I am also struggling in other areas of my life. I can see steps needed to change my situation, but there is little that I can implement immediately, so I'm rather stuck for the moment. I am trying to deal with it, but it does not help things, so I apologize for letting that bleed over into other aspects.

A couple of things:
1) Please don't talk to me about this post, either comments or criticisms. This is for edification, not discussion.
2) DO NOT tell me I'm overreacting. I can figure that out for myself, thank you very much, even if a bit delayed. It will only raise my hackles more.

3)For sure, I have plenty of personal issues to deal with, but I'm hoping that getting this out there will help explain my erratic behavior as of late. Fortunately, I have lots of loving friends who have put up with my behavior over the years, and for that, you have my undying gratitude and loyalty.

Previous | Next